Women are optimists.

I'm sure any male reading this post is probably laughing at this opening statement, but I'll explain why I believe this to be true.

Have you ever wondered why girls are attracted to "bad boys"? Well, this can be explained using the "Half-Full postulation". This theory essentially asserts that women are attracted to "bad boys" simply because they see the potential infusion of a transformative "good" in them. 

As women, it is in our character to be nurturing, loving, caring, and to be obsessed with compulsive (and often subconscious) modification of people in general. (This does not account for ALL women, of course, but just follow along). That being established, what this premise supports is the idea that women who find themselves attracted to the same "bad boys", are the very ones who possess the qualities of the women described in the "Half-Full postulation" .

Many women find themselves seeking love from certain "bad boys", and allowing themselves to be subjected to unhealthy and unproductive stagnated relationships not because they are "blinded" per se, (please refer to my What a Man Needs to Know  post regarding women knowing exactly what their intentions are at all times) but because they are naturally attracted, by way of their nurturing inherent character, to the potential product that a man could possibly turn out to be. Sometimes we think that if we just stick along for long enough, the man, through our guidance and assistance, will somehow arrive at the  intersection of "Aha!" and "reformation" and magically become what we want them to be. 

Many of us naturally gravitate to the good in people, namely men. We have undying faith that they will be what we imagine them to be. But this recurrently proves to be worthy to be thrown upon a pile of futile attempts at the prospect of successful escapades. And because we have been this way for so long, we do not consider our circumstances dysfunctional. Little do we realize, this is because we have lived in dysfunction for so long that we have become used to it, and then attracted to it.

And then we wonder why we aren't attracted to the "good guys".

You see, the "good guys" do not fall under any inclusive compartment of the "Half-Full postulation". They just don't exist. Why? Because there is nothing to change in these men. There is no challenge presented, there is no "saving" that needs to occur... they don't need our "help". So because these men have not proven to be worthy of our nurturing, we turn our attention over to the men that do need it: The Bad Boys. These are the men that we trail after in order to redirect them onto the straight and narrow. But there is one thing that we forget.

Those of us women who fall under the "Half-Full postulation" fail to realize one thing. It has never been, nor will it ever be our job to fix anyone. And it is also most definitely not our job to fix anyone that:
 1) Doesn't want to be fixed or 
2) Doesn't think they need any fixing. 

The most we can do for these men is to pray that the Lord finds a way to reach their hearts, and begin true, fulfilling and effective transformative restoration within these men. But we've also got to pray for ourselves as well... 

Women who fall under this postulation are at great risk for the following:
1) Time wasted on futile attempts to "change" men.
2) Wasted energy towards dead end experiences.
3) Any chance with prospects that do not fall under the "Half-Full" premise, namely, "good men".
4) Perpetual unhappiness due to repeated scarring of the heart, and barring any healing from occurring because of the lack of awareness that one falls under the "Half-Full" theory. 
5) Perennial disappointment.

So... how do we recover?

Welp. The first step to recovery, I believe, is admitting that, after all these years of going through the same failed experiences with men, there must be something wrong with the way that we have been dealing with our relationships. Then, I believe that there is value in taking a hiatus from the dating field, and using that time to truly reflect on the common denominators (including the red flags in your relationship) across your past partnerships, and allowing that reflection process to further shape your character. The process may be painstaking, but you'll be a lot taller after all your growing pains. I also believe that it is important to understand where one's identity lies, and if that identity is in Christ, you'll begin to see yourself more and more in need of improvement when juxtaposed with His perfection. When you allow yourself to be open to reformation through Christ, you'll definitely be saved from a lot of heartaches, and a lot of money from tubs of Oreo ice cream. 

-Stay Groovy, Keep Kickin'

-Alda.

Diagnosis: Olivia Pope Syndrome

:: Where everyone else's problem is easier to fix than yours is.
:: Where you are able to point out the issue in other people's circumstance, but cannot even begin to understand the elements of your own.
:: Frustration attributed to confusion in ones own situation.
:: Not knowing what to do because everything all of a sudden becomes 10 times more complex when it involves yourself and your own problems.

Well, I'm not a Scandal watcher, but I'm sure the entire world has figured out that these are the major issues that Olivia is faces in each episode of this rather scandalous television series.

How do I relate? Well, It's easy for me to sit here and blog about how things should be, but it then becomes a difficult task to then embody all that I write. What can I say, I'm human!

*record scratches*

But that's no excuse for me to chalk up my shortcomings to the fact that I am part of a species that falls prey to hypocritical tendencies. I've got to do better.

I've realized that I have a major issue with heeding red flags. When it comes to the analysis of the situations that other people find themselves in, it is so easy for me to point out the detrimental effects of their actions and choices, and steer them in the direction that they should be traveling in. But for some reason, this becomes entirely too difficult for me when it comes to implementing these same strategies within my own life.

Now why is that ?

Well, for me, apprehension breeds frustration, and frustration breeds hesitation. Often times, I actually do know what the problem is, but because I don't want to accept the reality of the matter, I begin to rationalize my condition. All of a sudden it becomes an abstractly complex circumstance that I need to repeatedly ponder and dwell upon in order to receive clarity.

Now, why do I do this to myself? I know that I'm wasting time dealing with a situation that I know 1) I have no control over, and 2) Is a waste of time. So now it becomes a matter of finding out effective ways to get me out of unedifying environments. I have to begin with the root of the issue, and work my way up to the inner-workings of the functionalities of my distressed circumstantial floral arrangements.

Through the admittance of the fact that yes, there is a major underlying issue that I am currently dealing with,  I have come to a realization that we've ALL  got to get to a point where:

1) We stick by the decisions we make based on the convictions we receive [through the ultimate source of Wisdom].
- In asking for clarity, there is a responsibility that we have to follow through in the implementation of such convictions. What good will it do, if we receive a clear response of what needs to be done, but do not do it? Think about it- will this be a healthy environment for the fostering of proper growth? This will pose a hindrance to character development, and I'm sure we don't want to work towards the embodiment of a fickle, diseased character.

2) We take the time to objectively analyze the issue at hand.
-Sometimes this takes Godly counsel by the people God has placed in our lives. We are also equipped with the ultimate standard to hold our circumstances up to in order to shed light in the areas that we might have overlooked when observing through the lens of fleshly desires.

3) We come to terms with the fact that what we want isn't always what we need.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks, but it's true. Accepting the fact that just because we so desire to have something doesn't mean we necessarily need to obtain it. Accept, stop wasting time, and move on.

In conclusion, yeah, we've all got a lot of work to do, especially me. But if there's one thing that I've learned thus far, it is that I really need to start taking my own advice. Legit.

Stay groovy, keep kickin'.

-Alda.

Where to start, where to start, where to START? 

I'm sure we can all distinctly remember a time when the dynamics of our daily regimen took a bit of a shift when that certain someone was introduced to our life. You know- your phone was no longer dry... you began texting back and forth, you had phone conversations with them (if you're lucky, because in this day and age, people don't really do that anymore), but most importantly, they became a new element in the structure of your daily living.

And I bet you remember putting forth the best of yourself, because, you know, it's always important to make a great and lasting first impression.

As time went on, both parties became a little bit more comfortable, and with that comfort came a sense of warmth that had both parties removing layers of themselves, getting closer to the point where the raw elements of one's pneuma lay...

The more time you spent with this person, the closer you became, and thanks to your emotions, you became intertwined with the very essence of who they were, which now formed a new but excitingly familiar bond between the two of you...

You began as friends... but of course, through the process of getting to know them, an even higher purpose began setting into place. You were both aiming to determine the extent to which your compatibility would withstand the tests of a relationship...

Your familiarity with one another gave you a sense of comfort, so you finally stripped down to the second to last veil that ever so liberally graced your inner soul... and a true assessment was allocated to each party...

You see, up until this point, you've gone down your checklist to make sure if he had successfully executed each any every requirement that was needed to admit him to the next stage. He passed the investment stage. He passed the consistency stage. The intellectual stimulation stage. The hygienic stage.. etc. But now he's at the point where he must conduct himself in a particular manner when faced with the stage in which your sensuality is found peaking out from an unlocked Pandora's box. And so, you wait...

You know he's attracted to your intellect. You know that he finds you to be a God fearing woman. And you know he's attracted to you- physically. So. What keeps you at the top of his list when he begins to think about intimacy?

For starters, here's one thing we need to keep in mind. Physical attraction is most definitely a must in a relationship. After all, it would be difficult later on down the line when you have to start a family with the other person. BUT- this factor should not override the other qualities that you need to consider when dating someone.

When it comes to men, we've already established that they're visual beings. That being said, that is probably going to be one of the first things they hone in on when choosing a mate. But here's the thing though- when a man becomes heavily attracted to your physique, though he may love other qualities about you, this may overshadow those important and valuable qualities that you have. And of course, this can be very detrimental to not only your relationship, but your spiritual stability as well. A man should be attracted to you physically. But if he considers this particular quality as icing on the cake, and not the cake in its entirety, then he should be able to respect the boundaries that must be set at the beginning of the relationship in order to keep both parties pure and emotionally in tact. Because we all know that the minute things get too intimate, the dynamics of the whole relationship shift drastically, and things get complicated.

So. In conclusion, ladies? Keep your goodies tightly wrapped and stowed away in a closet at room temperature. We all know that excessive heat spoils the goods- so you might want to keep that in mind the next time things get hot and steamy...



Keep Kickin. Stay groovy.

-Alda.

I was privileged to speak with Pastor Lola Moore, a woman in Ministry, on a brisk spring morning via FaceBook... at 4am. I had a couple of questions that had been on my mind for a while, and I thought, who better to ask than someone who's life's episode was currently tuned into the same experiences that I was wondering about?

I asked Pastor Moore about "The whole- 'Single Women in Minsitry' Shebang", where I wanted to know what were some of the challenges that she faced being a single female Pastor on the ministry front. I also asked her if she was worried, or found herself asking the Lord when the right time would be for her in regards to finding a mate. She was more than kind enough to privilege me with her response, and was also more than happy  to allow me to share it right here. So y'all are getting first hand experience on what it's like out there from a primary source! This was Pastor Lola's response:

• "Ministry is interesting as a person. The difference in gender isn't felt by me. It's felt by those I minister to. Same as being a woman in college. No felt difference by you, you're just in school. Make sense?  I'm just in ministry...doing what I was born to do. Now, my colleagues tend to pastor differently. I'm more of a "new/young mother" with my congregation. They're "on my hip" as I handle business. I want to know if the church is spiritually healthy; are the people growing in Jesus? I'm proud and giddy over little things. I have to discipline them sometimes. Guys don't traditionally do that- they see the church more as a machine. A car even. They want to put hydraulics on it...make it BIG and fast...lol!  They are into fast, undeniable growth. I'm into slow, organic growth. I think all ladies are different but I've seen the dynamic manifested in several ladies.

           I'm single but I have colleagues who are not. Either can be difficult. I personally think singleness is a blessing and a curse in ministry. It's a blessing to be able to travel and do as I'm called to. Not to have to answer for late nights, early mornings, etc. However, I carry the stress of leadership alone. No one to vent to. No one who will have my back when I make mistakes or preach a horrible sermon.

          On the flip, my married colleagues are called upon to balance their churches and their families. They must be mom to their kids at home AND their kids at church. They are moms so they have to be as loving and supportive as your mom AND run a church. The call is HIGH!
So, your journey will have similarities as well as unique experiences. My advice is to stay EXTRA CLOSE to Jesus!!! He will help you navigate the unique journey He has planned." 

I then asked Pastor Moore this question: 

• Do you find it difficult to not "worry" about the Lord sending you the man you're supposed to be with?
  I mean, we all know that "good things come to those who wait upon the Lord" and all that jazz, but that doesn't make it any easier on us when we really don't have any conception of the timing of God?

And this was her response, and a very wise approach, if I may say the least:

• "I don't worry about God sending the right person. I recognize that, had I been more patient, "he" may have already been here. The process is less about God sending him as it is about God preparing me! Am I ready to be a good wife, in light of my calling, to the man God has designated? Am I ready to be doubly yoked as Pastor and mother? Am I willing to care for my husband and handle the business of the church? The right one will come, but am I ready to be the right one for him?"
  

Wow. What a perspective. Often times, we find ourselves craving the superficial face values of relationships that we forget about the broader spectrum of what the end result should be. Before God can send men their "helpmeet", He has to make sure they're absolutely geared up for what they are about to get into. 

First thing is always first. We must begin asking these questions to ourselves, and wait patiently for the Lord to impress His convictions upon us. We must ask Him to reveal the issues that we need to deal with that we aren't too ready to accept in order to prepare us as women winning souls for the Kingdom, and also to prepare us as perfect women for our men. Before Yahweh can send you someone who is good for you, you must in turn be good for him. At this stage in our lives, many of us women serve the purpose of being a better stumbling block, tripping up our men, and as an obstacle to distract and divert our men from achieving and attending to the higher callings in their lives. Others are set-ups, luring men in with sensuality and trapping them with lust disguised as love. We MUST strive to be better women. Actually, let me not say the word "strive" because that implies "trying". We must not "try" to be better women, we must BE better women. They do say that you often attract what you exude, so let us emit the character of God, excrete the ambitions of a woman with a purpose,  conceal our hormone induced sensuality, and acquire the ability to wait upon the Lord not solely on the basis of relationships, but be able to truly trust Him enough to believe that He will make decisions that are of the best intentions.


-Alda.


*Courtesy of Pastor Lola Moore
-Thank You for sharing your perspective.