Women are optimists.

I'm sure any male reading this post is probably laughing at this opening statement, but I'll explain why I believe this to be true.

Have you ever wondered why girls are attracted to "bad boys"? Well, this can be explained using the "Half-Full postulation". This theory essentially asserts that women are attracted to "bad boys" simply because they see the potential infusion of a transformative "good" in them. 

As women, it is in our character to be nurturing, loving, caring, and to be obsessed with compulsive (and often subconscious) modification of people in general. (This does not account for ALL women, of course, but just follow along). That being established, what this premise supports is the idea that women who find themselves attracted to the same "bad boys", are the very ones who possess the qualities of the women described in the "Half-Full postulation" .

Many women find themselves seeking love from certain "bad boys", and allowing themselves to be subjected to unhealthy and unproductive stagnated relationships not because they are "blinded" per se, (please refer to my What a Man Needs to Know  post regarding women knowing exactly what their intentions are at all times) but because they are naturally attracted, by way of their nurturing inherent character, to the potential product that a man could possibly turn out to be. Sometimes we think that if we just stick along for long enough, the man, through our guidance and assistance, will somehow arrive at the  intersection of "Aha!" and "reformation" and magically become what we want them to be. 

Many of us naturally gravitate to the good in people, namely men. We have undying faith that they will be what we imagine them to be. But this recurrently proves to be worthy to be thrown upon a pile of futile attempts at the prospect of successful escapades. And because we have been this way for so long, we do not consider our circumstances dysfunctional. Little do we realize, this is because we have lived in dysfunction for so long that we have become used to it, and then attracted to it.

And then we wonder why we aren't attracted to the "good guys".

You see, the "good guys" do not fall under any inclusive compartment of the "Half-Full postulation". They just don't exist. Why? Because there is nothing to change in these men. There is no challenge presented, there is no "saving" that needs to occur... they don't need our "help". So because these men have not proven to be worthy of our nurturing, we turn our attention over to the men that do need it: The Bad Boys. These are the men that we trail after in order to redirect them onto the straight and narrow. But there is one thing that we forget.

Those of us women who fall under the "Half-Full postulation" fail to realize one thing. It has never been, nor will it ever be our job to fix anyone. And it is also most definitely not our job to fix anyone that:
 1) Doesn't want to be fixed or 
2) Doesn't think they need any fixing. 

The most we can do for these men is to pray that the Lord finds a way to reach their hearts, and begin true, fulfilling and effective transformative restoration within these men. But we've also got to pray for ourselves as well... 

Women who fall under this postulation are at great risk for the following:
1) Time wasted on futile attempts to "change" men.
2) Wasted energy towards dead end experiences.
3) Any chance with prospects that do not fall under the "Half-Full" premise, namely, "good men".
4) Perpetual unhappiness due to repeated scarring of the heart, and barring any healing from occurring because of the lack of awareness that one falls under the "Half-Full" theory. 
5) Perennial disappointment.

So... how do we recover?

Welp. The first step to recovery, I believe, is admitting that, after all these years of going through the same failed experiences with men, there must be something wrong with the way that we have been dealing with our relationships. Then, I believe that there is value in taking a hiatus from the dating field, and using that time to truly reflect on the common denominators (including the red flags in your relationship) across your past partnerships, and allowing that reflection process to further shape your character. The process may be painstaking, but you'll be a lot taller after all your growing pains. I also believe that it is important to understand where one's identity lies, and if that identity is in Christ, you'll begin to see yourself more and more in need of improvement when juxtaposed with His perfection. When you allow yourself to be open to reformation through Christ, you'll definitely be saved from a lot of heartaches, and a lot of money from tubs of Oreo ice cream. 

-Stay Groovy, Keep Kickin'

-Alda.

Diagnosis: Olivia Pope Syndrome

:: Where everyone else's problem is easier to fix than yours is.
:: Where you are able to point out the issue in other people's circumstance, but cannot even begin to understand the elements of your own.
:: Frustration attributed to confusion in ones own situation.
:: Not knowing what to do because everything all of a sudden becomes 10 times more complex when it involves yourself and your own problems.

Well, I'm not a Scandal watcher, but I'm sure the entire world has figured out that these are the major issues that Olivia is faces in each episode of this rather scandalous television series.

How do I relate? Well, It's easy for me to sit here and blog about how things should be, but it then becomes a difficult task to then embody all that I write. What can I say, I'm human!

*record scratches*

But that's no excuse for me to chalk up my shortcomings to the fact that I am part of a species that falls prey to hypocritical tendencies. I've got to do better.

I've realized that I have a major issue with heeding red flags. When it comes to the analysis of the situations that other people find themselves in, it is so easy for me to point out the detrimental effects of their actions and choices, and steer them in the direction that they should be traveling in. But for some reason, this becomes entirely too difficult for me when it comes to implementing these same strategies within my own life.

Now why is that ?

Well, for me, apprehension breeds frustration, and frustration breeds hesitation. Often times, I actually do know what the problem is, but because I don't want to accept the reality of the matter, I begin to rationalize my condition. All of a sudden it becomes an abstractly complex circumstance that I need to repeatedly ponder and dwell upon in order to receive clarity.

Now, why do I do this to myself? I know that I'm wasting time dealing with a situation that I know 1) I have no control over, and 2) Is a waste of time. So now it becomes a matter of finding out effective ways to get me out of unedifying environments. I have to begin with the root of the issue, and work my way up to the inner-workings of the functionalities of my distressed circumstantial floral arrangements.

Through the admittance of the fact that yes, there is a major underlying issue that I am currently dealing with,  I have come to a realization that we've ALL  got to get to a point where:

1) We stick by the decisions we make based on the convictions we receive [through the ultimate source of Wisdom].
- In asking for clarity, there is a responsibility that we have to follow through in the implementation of such convictions. What good will it do, if we receive a clear response of what needs to be done, but do not do it? Think about it- will this be a healthy environment for the fostering of proper growth? This will pose a hindrance to character development, and I'm sure we don't want to work towards the embodiment of a fickle, diseased character.

2) We take the time to objectively analyze the issue at hand.
-Sometimes this takes Godly counsel by the people God has placed in our lives. We are also equipped with the ultimate standard to hold our circumstances up to in order to shed light in the areas that we might have overlooked when observing through the lens of fleshly desires.

3) We come to terms with the fact that what we want isn't always what we need.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks, but it's true. Accepting the fact that just because we so desire to have something doesn't mean we necessarily need to obtain it. Accept, stop wasting time, and move on.

In conclusion, yeah, we've all got a lot of work to do, especially me. But if there's one thing that I've learned thus far, it is that I really need to start taking my own advice. Legit.

Stay groovy, keep kickin'.

-Alda.

They call 3am the "Witching Hour", where demonic spirits mock the Holy Trinity and run rampant, actively and openly performing a bulk of their work on human beings. 


But I'm sure the watches of the demons around my house are  still set on daylight savings time.



2 am.
Crashing.
Banging.
Screaming. (Male voice)
       ...
(silence)
       ...
Running.
Slamming.
Thumping.
...
(Repeat)

My heart bleeds for the woman upstairs...

I have never met her, nor have I ever laid my eyes upon the features of this mysterious woman on the second floor. I am told she is young, and lives with her boyfriend, who looks to be in his mid-twenties; a man with a quiet demeanor and non-threatening countenance. So if that's the case, how is anyone supposed to know that he pounds the fists attached to his calm-and-collected being onto her fragile and lightly fragranced flesh?

Phone dial.
911. 
2 Minutes.
No sirens.
Silent police.
Screaming stops.

One question penetrates the calm summer nights air...

"What's going on here?"

"Nothing"... The first sound I hear coming from this mysterious woman... Never once did I hear her scream whilst her boyfriend was beating her... I'm sure she was speaking softly to him, attempting to dissolve the situation.

My mother lays her face into her hands... then looks up.

"Aldavina, I am afraid that could be you someday..."

I pray that day will never come.

You see, we as females are more in tuned with our emotions than men are. We are, in total essence, emotional beings. We as women are more inclined to endure even the most deathly of blows from a man as long as he whispers a sweet, tear stained apology into our ear the minute after. Whether we know it or not, many women have a sort of Consequentialist type of mentality, where we implicitly believe that it's basically okay for our men to beat us, as long as they feel bad about about it later, and produce one good act to counteract the act just produced (i.e. buy flowers, send you chocolates, take you out on a date, promise they'll never do it again... etc.) because after all, they are sorry-

Right?

I've learned a bit about myself during the most strenuous experiences during this past year, and one thing that I have learned is that I am a compulsive fixer- so it is in my nature to try to "fix" what I see is out of place. So, naturally, I began looking- or I should say, I am CURRENTLY looking for ways to get myself to a place where I can cross paths with this woman. I've thought about, and revised over and over again what I would say to her:

- Often times, we live in dysfunction for so long that we become used to it, and thus become attracted to it, because it's all we know. Because of this, many of us mistake lust for love, thus recognize lust AS love, and here lies the greatest of all dangers. Because now, not only do we live in dysfunction today, but if we do not pry ourselves from this mindset, it will infiltrate its way into all of our future relationships. You'll be attracted to the waving red flags that were once intended to warn you off from a dysfunctional situation... Like a fragile moth to a burning bulb...-

But what I have to realize is that it's not my place to say anything to her about her life. After all, it isn't my business, and I have no right to tell someone else how to live their lives, right?

To heck with that mentality. Y'all already know that I always call things out the way I see it, and if she goes as far as cussing me out because I got into her business, WELP. SO BE IT. Because her safety and her life is more important to me than being afraid of any kind of response that she may have to my concern and love for her. I might be able to plant a seed within her, that will get her to reflect on her current living situation and whether or not she wants to continue living that way.

So I pray for a Divine Appointment... and I await to see the face of this scarred, trapped, and lightly fragranced woman...


-Alda




Man, if y'all know someone who is being abused, or if you are being abused yourself, I'm going to need you to call this number:


National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224

 
If you don't know what domestic violence is all about, please feel free to visit:
http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/what-is-domestic-violence/

Where to start, where to start, where to START? 

I'm sure we can all distinctly remember a time when the dynamics of our daily regimen took a bit of a shift when that certain someone was introduced to our life. You know- your phone was no longer dry... you began texting back and forth, you had phone conversations with them (if you're lucky, because in this day and age, people don't really do that anymore), but most importantly, they became a new element in the structure of your daily living.

And I bet you remember putting forth the best of yourself, because, you know, it's always important to make a great and lasting first impression.

As time went on, both parties became a little bit more comfortable, and with that comfort came a sense of warmth that had both parties removing layers of themselves, getting closer to the point where the raw elements of one's pneuma lay...

The more time you spent with this person, the closer you became, and thanks to your emotions, you became intertwined with the very essence of who they were, which now formed a new but excitingly familiar bond between the two of you...

You began as friends... but of course, through the process of getting to know them, an even higher purpose began setting into place. You were both aiming to determine the extent to which your compatibility would withstand the tests of a relationship...

Your familiarity with one another gave you a sense of comfort, so you finally stripped down to the second to last veil that ever so liberally graced your inner soul... and a true assessment was allocated to each party...

You see, up until this point, you've gone down your checklist to make sure if he had successfully executed each any every requirement that was needed to admit him to the next stage. He passed the investment stage. He passed the consistency stage. The intellectual stimulation stage. The hygienic stage.. etc. But now he's at the point where he must conduct himself in a particular manner when faced with the stage in which your sensuality is found peaking out from an unlocked Pandora's box. And so, you wait...

You know he's attracted to your intellect. You know that he finds you to be a God fearing woman. And you know he's attracted to you- physically. So. What keeps you at the top of his list when he begins to think about intimacy?

For starters, here's one thing we need to keep in mind. Physical attraction is most definitely a must in a relationship. After all, it would be difficult later on down the line when you have to start a family with the other person. BUT- this factor should not override the other qualities that you need to consider when dating someone.

When it comes to men, we've already established that they're visual beings. That being said, that is probably going to be one of the first things they hone in on when choosing a mate. But here's the thing though- when a man becomes heavily attracted to your physique, though he may love other qualities about you, this may overshadow those important and valuable qualities that you have. And of course, this can be very detrimental to not only your relationship, but your spiritual stability as well. A man should be attracted to you physically. But if he considers this particular quality as icing on the cake, and not the cake in its entirety, then he should be able to respect the boundaries that must be set at the beginning of the relationship in order to keep both parties pure and emotionally in tact. Because we all know that the minute things get too intimate, the dynamics of the whole relationship shift drastically, and things get complicated.

So. In conclusion, ladies? Keep your goodies tightly wrapped and stowed away in a closet at room temperature. We all know that excessive heat spoils the goods- so you might want to keep that in mind the next time things get hot and steamy...



Keep Kickin. Stay groovy.

-Alda.

Ideas for these blog posts come under the  most unusual of circumstances. 

Men stand bewildered when it comes to understanding women. We are pretty complex beings, emotionally speaking, if I do say so myself. So I just want to say some things that I bet a whole lot of people have been thinking, but not ever really saying. Have been wondering, but haven't ever really had the opportunity to ask. OR- Have found themselves talking amongst their "boys"about.

We women know exactly what we're doing at pretty much all times. Everything we do is pre-planned, pre-thought, or has been previously executed in such a way that we have found ourselves in a new predicament, putting a new plan of action in place of an old one that didn't work. We ALWAYS.. know what we're doing. Keep that in mind gentlemen.

But just because we know what we're doing, doesn't mean we know exactly what we want. I mean, we may have a ball park idea of the things that we think  we desire, but 99.45% of the time, they're really not ever things that we need (or that are good for us). Because we are such emotional beings, this quality of ours can really work against us by clouding our discernment. For the sake of not sitting here and writing a whole dissertation on what a woman is all about, I'm just going to list a few examples. 

1) We women know exactly what we're doing when we put on a pair of leggings. *I'll let this one sit for a while.

The thing about leggings/yoga pants that many women may agree upon is that they are very comfortable. You can go on about your day with little to no restrictions at all when wearing a pair. So we get this out the way right? But then again, we do also realize how revealing they are... well, or- how revealing they aren't. We think that just because they're covering our skin, this therefore makes it okay to substitute these things for pants. And this is where the problem lies.

You see, leggings hug your body in all the right (or often very "unblessed") places. I feel like I need to take the time to challenge women to put away their I-don't-care-what-the-world-thinks-I'ma-do-me mentalities and really slip on their "awareness" caps. If you are NOT, and I repeat, NOT "blessed" in some areas (and please be real with yourself for the sake of people who must cross your path on a daily basis), please do not wear leggings. Why? Because 1- it's not a good look, 2- It's very painful to see and 3- this is where all the complaint about leggings actually stem from. I bet that's why our school actually tried to ban leggings at this institution- people are just tired of seeing booties that have the consistency of porridge trembling through the spandex, what can I say? 

Anywho, back on topic, I said that to say that we are fully aware of the implications of wearing leggings, and for those of us who actually have something to show back there, our intentions can often be a little cruel. I can PROMISE you that women do not think of (or probably don't care) of the trap they are setting for other men simply through the things they wear. We put these things on because we have something to show off- and we want others to know that about us. We want to leave all the wonders of our majestic curvature to the imagination of the unsuspecting male. Little do we realize how much of an impact we actually have on these men.

You know, contrary to what we females may believe, there ARE actually men out there who are striving to tread the straight and narrow. We're the ones with our Eve-like complex sitting here tripping up guys who can't help but look our way. We must understand that men are visual creatures.... but perhaps we already know that.

Same thing goes for bodycons, though I believe bodycons can be a million times more damaging for males. There are bodycon skirts, and someone even had the nerve to invent bodycon dresses! Talkin' bout thirst traps! Anways, all I'm saying is this- women crave attention. And if some of them aren't getting it the modest way, they'll seek it in any other way. And if that way includes form fitting clothing, then so be it. Because we all know that's a guaranteed attention grabber. Even if it isn't the right kind.

2) We love being complimented. It flatters us.

Though we love being complimented, just EXPECT that 90% of the women you compliment are going to hit you with the old "oh no, (insert excuse as to why your compliment can't possibly apply to them)". If need be, please make an effort to get them to understand that they just need to accept the compliment and keep it pushin'. No one has time to sit there and have pity parties with them. Most of the time it's something that has to do with a woman's self esteem, or self image. A lot of females think that they're below average in regards to physique/appearance, so your compliment may honestly not register in their mind as something that could be true for them. Do your part as a gentlemen and keep the compliments coming. (I don't mean wear yourself out, but I do say this because no matter who you are, if a woman receives a compliment, it really brightens up her day).

3) Women expect men to be mind readers.

I was talking to a friend today who shared with me some of his experiences with females. As a woman myself listening in on his point of view, it really made me realize how unreasonable we woman are. We really need to start cutting men some slack! Unfortunately for you men, we as women automatically assume you know what the heck is going on in our complex mind. We expect you to know that we want you to spend time with us instead of your friends. We expect you to know that you're supposed to show us random acts of your love for us throughout the day. We expect you to know that it isn't okay for you to be texting other females late at night, and most of all, we expect you to know that we are here for you- we chose you. And your duty is to be honest to, and communicate with, us. Which is why there are times when we are angry, and you have no clue as to why we are buggin'. Chances are, it's because we expected you just to know that something you did was not right. Yes, this is unfair, but well. This is part of the baggage that comes along with dating a female. 

I could say a lot more, but this post is getting longer and longer by the minute (and I'm sure we all know why that is). Stay Tuned for future posts on for more inside scoop on Women 411 haha. This shall be an interesting blog journey.

Well, men, please keep in mind, not all women are the same... but many share the same qualities. So if you can figure out which ones of those qualities stand universal to all women, then you've gotten one step closer to breaking the Woman's Code.

I was privileged to speak with Pastor Lola Moore, a woman in Ministry, on a brisk spring morning via FaceBook... at 4am. I had a couple of questions that had been on my mind for a while, and I thought, who better to ask than someone who's life's episode was currently tuned into the same experiences that I was wondering about?

I asked Pastor Moore about "The whole- 'Single Women in Minsitry' Shebang", where I wanted to know what were some of the challenges that she faced being a single female Pastor on the ministry front. I also asked her if she was worried, or found herself asking the Lord when the right time would be for her in regards to finding a mate. She was more than kind enough to privilege me with her response, and was also more than happy  to allow me to share it right here. So y'all are getting first hand experience on what it's like out there from a primary source! This was Pastor Lola's response:

• "Ministry is interesting as a person. The difference in gender isn't felt by me. It's felt by those I minister to. Same as being a woman in college. No felt difference by you, you're just in school. Make sense?  I'm just in ministry...doing what I was born to do. Now, my colleagues tend to pastor differently. I'm more of a "new/young mother" with my congregation. They're "on my hip" as I handle business. I want to know if the church is spiritually healthy; are the people growing in Jesus? I'm proud and giddy over little things. I have to discipline them sometimes. Guys don't traditionally do that- they see the church more as a machine. A car even. They want to put hydraulics on it...make it BIG and fast...lol!  They are into fast, undeniable growth. I'm into slow, organic growth. I think all ladies are different but I've seen the dynamic manifested in several ladies.

           I'm single but I have colleagues who are not. Either can be difficult. I personally think singleness is a blessing and a curse in ministry. It's a blessing to be able to travel and do as I'm called to. Not to have to answer for late nights, early mornings, etc. However, I carry the stress of leadership alone. No one to vent to. No one who will have my back when I make mistakes or preach a horrible sermon.

          On the flip, my married colleagues are called upon to balance their churches and their families. They must be mom to their kids at home AND their kids at church. They are moms so they have to be as loving and supportive as your mom AND run a church. The call is HIGH!
So, your journey will have similarities as well as unique experiences. My advice is to stay EXTRA CLOSE to Jesus!!! He will help you navigate the unique journey He has planned." 

I then asked Pastor Moore this question: 

• Do you find it difficult to not "worry" about the Lord sending you the man you're supposed to be with?
  I mean, we all know that "good things come to those who wait upon the Lord" and all that jazz, but that doesn't make it any easier on us when we really don't have any conception of the timing of God?

And this was her response, and a very wise approach, if I may say the least:

• "I don't worry about God sending the right person. I recognize that, had I been more patient, "he" may have already been here. The process is less about God sending him as it is about God preparing me! Am I ready to be a good wife, in light of my calling, to the man God has designated? Am I ready to be doubly yoked as Pastor and mother? Am I willing to care for my husband and handle the business of the church? The right one will come, but am I ready to be the right one for him?"
  

Wow. What a perspective. Often times, we find ourselves craving the superficial face values of relationships that we forget about the broader spectrum of what the end result should be. Before God can send men their "helpmeet", He has to make sure they're absolutely geared up for what they are about to get into. 

First thing is always first. We must begin asking these questions to ourselves, and wait patiently for the Lord to impress His convictions upon us. We must ask Him to reveal the issues that we need to deal with that we aren't too ready to accept in order to prepare us as women winning souls for the Kingdom, and also to prepare us as perfect women for our men. Before Yahweh can send you someone who is good for you, you must in turn be good for him. At this stage in our lives, many of us women serve the purpose of being a better stumbling block, tripping up our men, and as an obstacle to distract and divert our men from achieving and attending to the higher callings in their lives. Others are set-ups, luring men in with sensuality and trapping them with lust disguised as love. We MUST strive to be better women. Actually, let me not say the word "strive" because that implies "trying". We must not "try" to be better women, we must BE better women. They do say that you often attract what you exude, so let us emit the character of God, excrete the ambitions of a woman with a purpose,  conceal our hormone induced sensuality, and acquire the ability to wait upon the Lord not solely on the basis of relationships, but be able to truly trust Him enough to believe that He will make decisions that are of the best intentions.


-Alda.


*Courtesy of Pastor Lola Moore
-Thank You for sharing your perspective.

I asked men on twitter yesterday, if they could get into the mind of a female, what is one thing they would like to know. I got one pretty legitimate response where one male wanted to know: "Are you telling me the truth at all times?". Hmm. Ok. That's a valid question that can be reverse back to the males as well.

The first thing that I want to make clear is the fact that the answer to this question really depends on who you're talking to, honestly. You may meet a woman who isn't all the way honest  at all times because she doesn't hold too much value on such a moral. Then on the flip side, you may meet a woman who makes it a point to keep honesty  at the foundational basis of her relationship with her partner. So it really just depends who you're dealing with.

Lyfe Jennings, an artist, has a song called "Hypothetically, Of Course", and I think it deals with this principle of honesty in relationships. What do we say when we're afraid to hurt the other person? Do we tell them, or do we keep it to ourselves? Let's take a look at the lyrics:

                                                              "What if I broke our monogamous agreement
                                                                  What if I told you I lied, but didn't mean it
                                                                                    What if my one mistake
                                                                                   had the potential to break
                                                                                       up our happy home
                                                                                 Would you wanna know
                             What if I confessed it and though she didn't mean nothing since it happened
                                                                           You're thinking about leaving
                                                                                   What if I suppressed it
                                                           and made a vow to never mess with another
                                                                   Is it cool for me to smother the facts
                                                                   Is it cool for me to cover my tracks
                                                                                     if you'd never know
                                                        Or would me not being honest hurt you more


The last part of this first verse is what stood out to me the most. In this song, we have two parties who are withholding some pretty pertinent information from each other. But because they are both afraid of "losing" or "hurting" each other, they speak in hypothetical terms, and ponder whether they should or should not just keep the information to themselves for the sake of keeping their family in tact (which we learn through the progression of the story line).

I can't necessarily speak for women, in general, but I can speak in terms of our nature as humans, which, believe it or not, for both parties (male and female), can be very similar in many instances. For example. In regards to dishonesty, I'm sure that we can all say that we have lied at some point in our lives, for whatever reason. But is there a difference between a "white lie"- which is according to google is "A harmless or trivial lie, esp. one told to avoid hurting someone's feelings"-, or a lie with more of a malicious intent? Or is a lie simply a lie, and what are the ethical implications?

Well, I can only tell you what I think. And here's how I see it. I believe that there are only two categories of lies. One with a purposeful intent, and the other category just includes all other forms of lies from white lies, to big lies, to why-did-you-have-to-lie-when-you-really-didn't-need-to-lie's and so forth.

"Innocent" Lies: You're planning a surprise party for one of your best friends. Key word: Surprise. So, this automatically registers in your mind that you have to keep what you're doing a secret by all means necessary. So you'll tell your friend that you're going to work, when in reality, you're actually going to pick up her cake. You'll stuff all the gifts in a closet and nervously say "nothing" when they ask what you're doing. These are all necessary lies (though I feel like in this case, the term "lie" seems too heavy of a word to use here) in order to plan a successful surprise party. I'm sure your best friend will appreciate all you've done for them when they really figure out what you've been up to (unless they despise surprises). "Lies" like these have no harmful intent, and upon revelation, do not stir up feelings of betrayal or disdain, and do not move the person to question every successive word that comes out of your mouth (except maybe around their next birthday).

"Protective" Lies: These are lies that we tell for the "protection" of others. When your friend looks a little on the heavy side in her leggings and you tell her she looks fine- LIE. When you comment on an Instagram pic of someone that doesn't look too good, telling them that they look spectacular (just because they didn't receive any "likes' and you were trying to be nice)- LIE. When you tell people they're "perfect the way they are" when they are 100lbs overweight- LIE. When you don't tell your child that their father is dead, when in reality he is in solitary confinement for a murder he committed 20 years ago-LIE.

"Selfish" Lies: When her weave looks dirty, and you're in a rush to get to  where you're going, but don't want to wait for her to wash it so you don't tell her how bad it looks when she asks- LIE. When you tell your girl that she looks good when she really doesn't, only because you don't want her to look better than you do.-LIE.  Claiming you never did your homework when your classmate asks because you don't want to help them.-Now you know you're wrong for that. But we're all guilty of these in some shape or form.

"Painful" Lies: Lies to cover up pain. When your homeboy asks if its alright for him to date your ex-girlfriend... and you say "Nah man, its all gucci"... -Now we KNOW that's the biggest, fattest lie and 3/4ths. When you claim to be over your ex within the first 2 months of breaking up. LIE. When females say "I'm alright" "I'm fine" or "I don't want to talk about it"- LIE. They're not alright, they're not fine, and they most definitely need someone to talk to.

"Booster" Lies: Booster lies are lies that you tell to make yourself look more appealing to the outside world. I.e. Females who claim to know basketball, when they know very well they need to go somewhere else with their tweets. Males/Females who claim to be "turnin' up" at the club on the weekends, when they KNOW they're gonna be at AY Friday night and teaching Sabbath school in church come Sabbath morning. Claiming to have "J's for days" when in reality, you only have one pair. I think you get the memo.

The BOLD FACED Lie: Ok This is the lie that is probably most despised by everyone. Ever heard a lie that you KNOW for a fact cannot in a million years ever possibly be true? Here's the kicker about bold faced lies- both parties know they aren't true. Most times they're so ridiculous that you can't help but laugh hysterically upon hearing them. When a bold faced lie is told, it is usually followed by the following statements from the other party: "HOW YOU GON' TELL ME..!" "LOOK ME DEAD IN THE FACE AND SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME.." "WHATCHU MEAN [insert accusation]..!!".. or, the all too familiar "GET OUT MY FACE WITH THAT [insert expletive]" .... "COME ON SON..!" ... or even a silence of unbelief, followed by a dumbfounded expression. 

"Unspoken/Technical" Lies: And here's the lie we all claim to "technically" not be a lie. For example. Your friend goes to a Lianne La Havas concert and doesn't tell you- maybe because they didn't feel like going with you, or maybe they were going with someone you didn't like- but case in point- they didn't tell you. Now, upon confrontation, you may say "why didn't you tell me", and they may retort- "Well you didn't ask" when they knew for a fact that Lianne La Havas was your favorite artist, and you wouldn't have missed the event for the world.. I would feel betrayed. I would feel some type of way. So yes, I do put this in the category of "unspoken" lies. 

• There was  a line in "Hypothetically of Course" by Jennings that said: 

                                                            "Are there some things better left unsaid                                             
                                                                 Or would you wanna know instead?"

Now, your confrontation is based off of finding out that your friend went to the concert without you. But what if you didn't find out? Would it be better for them to have kept that piece of information to themselves? I mean, that would be ideal if they didn't want to create confusion...

Perhaps a better example would be another scenario illustrated by Fantasia's lines in Lyfe Jenning's song:

                                                             "Well what if I told you that I had a confession
                                                           What if I said 4 years ago when we were arguing
                                                           he came to comfort me and I wound up pregnant
                                                                               And I just can't say for sure
                                                                                         if the baby's yours
                                 What if I confessed it and it turns out not to be your baby after you get tested
                                                          And it destroys what we've been blessed with
                               What if I suppress it 'cause technically you're the baby's daddy anyway
                                                                     Is it wrong for me to want you to stay
                                                                  Would you rather have me tear you away
                                                                            From the only family you know
                                                        Or is this just too big a secret to keep it on the low

"Technically" the male in the story line is the Father. So "technically" there is no need to let the cat out of the bag just yet. Besides, it would destroy the lives of everyone in the life of the child. We wouldn't want that, now, would we?

But wouldn't you want to know if you were living a lie? This is why unspoken lies are probably one of the most dangerous of lies. Because the longer you wait, the more attachments form, the closer you get, and the harder it becomes to pry two fingers apart that have been attached together with superglue. 

All in all, in reality, a lie is a lie. And it is better to speak up and deal with the repercussions now rather than later when it could be a bit harder. So tell your friend they're a little on the heavy side. They might think you're insensitive, but they'll thank you later on down the line when they aren't suffering from diabetes and other health issues. And don't just tell them either, help them out. Be a support system. Same if your friend isn't looking good when you hit the town. Don't try to look better than your friend, please tell them when they look good- in all honesty, because believe it or not, your friends are also a reflection of you. Have you ever heard the saying, "Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are"? Ponder that. And ladies and gents? Speak up when you're hurt. If you don't feel comfortable with your friend dating your ex when they ask, then say so. If you're hurt, say so. Don't just tell everyone you're "fine" when you're not. You're only going to be digging yourself into an abyss of unhappiness. Next, stop boosting yourself  up to be someone you're not. Be yourself and stick to that. No one wants to hang with a fraud. And lastly, refrain from technical lies. They damage more than they protect...


Krioulo word of the day: Lie- "Mentira" (men-tee-ruh)... and please roll your 'r's".

Note: Lyrics taken from  A-Z Lyrics (Click here to read more)
Stay groovy Y'all
-Alda.
 

Aha. Here come the warm weather, and here come the Burlesque Balloon Women eager to show off their skin. Get ready single men, it may be a long, frustrating, sensually provocative summer. 

Everywhere you go, there is a reoccurring theme of what? -Love. In every movie there is a damsel in distress awaiting her salvation in the hands of an evil man who really has too much time on his hands, and way too much energy to go out of his way to kidnap people and make everything so much more difficult for everyone else. =_= . Take Fast and Furious 6, for example (which I watched last night in a crowded theatre in Providence along with about 1.2billion steamy people). I won't say too much for the people who haven't watched it yet, but here we can see homeboy's girl, who he thought was dead, resurface who knows where, and sexy (and a bit too bulky) Dwayne Johnson SEARCHIN for hot tamale Vin Diesel to get him to help a brotha out. This propels sir hot tamale into a state of action. Had homegirl not been involved, he would have gladly declined the mission. And so would his friends.

So what was the point of that seemingly lengthy tangent? Well. I said that to say this- I went to watch this movie and it was about -love. I walked out of the theatre and I saw couples blissfully sauntering away in -love. I turned on pandora in my car and the first song that came on was about- love. I came home and the first thing that I thought about was -you guessed it-love. 

So, if you're single, like me, and all you see around you is cotton candy, love bugs, and cupids, you may not necessarily feel the love yourself. All you can do is see it from the outside standpoint of a foreigner.

That's not to say that we haven't "been in" or "experienced" love. Which we might have. But too often than not, in today's society, because of our insecurities, impatience, or even involuntary acceptance of a partner, we have brought ourselves to a state of confusion when it comes to this word, love. How do I know this? Well. Take a look at the current divorce rates- which I'm sure has to probably be a little over 50% by now.

In our generation, we have made the difference between love and lust indistinguishable. I really want to gear this post more towards our women today (if I don't end up getting side tracked with another tangent, that is). I'm talking about real love, which is ONLY recognizable when we see our place in relation to God's Magnificence. 

True Love: Welp. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am not ready for a relationship. As of now. Why? Because I have not truly grasped the essence of what True Love actually is. But I have gotten to the point where I have learned that  in order to recognize True Love, I have to FIRST understand God's love towards me, that way I will not only be able to identify that love from someone else, but be able to reciprocate it as well.

Once we understand the true sacricificial meaning of what love is, then we can place ourselves in a place where we are one smidge closer to where God needs us to be in preparing us for interconnectedness with one another. That being said, we need to pause, right now, and evaluate our places. Are you a slave to lust? Pull yourself away from the hustle and bustle of society and REALLY think about this right now. Are your actions in tune with that of a woman (or man, for the men reading this) who has finally been brought to a place of spiritual awareness? Hmm. Here's a simple test to figure that out.

Alright this is what you do- Stand up. Close your eyes. And place your hands on your hips. Then ask yourself: Is God enough?

Aha. Here's where many of us fail this test. And here is where I failed the test every time I got into a relationship because I never believed that God was enough. Many of us females think that we need men to validate us, or that being in a relationship will somehow flick us back up a point value system adopted by nonfactor judges. Many of us are searching for our "other halves" when #1- Eve never searched for Adam, but was brought/led to Him by God, and #2- Who said we are missing a whole HALF of ourselves? Shoot, that other "Half" better be the character of Jesus! Haha ok but no, in all honesty, I believe that we are not to look to others for definition, but merely for the purpose of complimenting our lives. Eve complimented Adam. She was sent to be his "helpmeet", not "helpmeat". (See what I did there?)

And then we have the issue of women seeking to be in relationships simply for the "glitz and glamour" of what they expect it to be. They want to get with the best looking guy who plays hard to get but in reality, doesn't even value the woman. We're addicted to the chase. We feel entitled to get what we want- even though it might not be the best thing for us. Every woman, whether they admit it or not, likes a good challenge. The rush of the experience brings us to a feeling of euphoria, which stimulates our endurance for the pursuit. But when our endurance declines, reality sets in.

If we spent more time looking within ourselves and truly asking Yahweh to reveal the things within us that  need to be tweaked, then we might increase our chances for happiness through the power of discernment. With a closer relationship with God comes greater wisdom. Had we learned this a long time ago, we would have been able to evade a lot of unfavorable experiences we have found ourselves in the past. But you know. Everyone is into the whole "well, let me learn from my mistakes" when true wisdom lies not in learning from your own, but evading those mistakes and cutting straight to the lesson though the observation of the mistakes of others. 

Think of it this way. What sense does it make for us to spend our time, energy, effort and resources to figure out how to make a lightbulb, when it has already been invented? What we should be spending time on is learning various ways that we can improve the quality of that bulb. 

So this post is turning out a long longer than I wanted it to. The last thing that I want to say is this- Ladies? Don't be blinded by the superficial face value of what a relationship is- i.e. cuddling, physical intimacy, kissing, some more physical intimacy and playing Bonnie and Clyde with your boyfriend. Work on developing something long lasting, and of higher value that will guarantee your happiness in your not too distant future. Have patience. Relax, focus on achieving your immediate goals, and eemember, God IS enough. Focus on Him, and all good things will surely follow.

First day of Summer: Friday, June 21st, 2013

-Alda.