I was privileged to speak with Pastor Lola Moore, a woman in Ministry, on a brisk spring morning via FaceBook... at 4am. I had a couple of questions that had been on my mind for a while, and I thought, who better to ask than someone who's life's episode was currently tuned into the same experiences that I was wondering about?

I asked Pastor Moore about "The whole- 'Single Women in Minsitry' Shebang", where I wanted to know what were some of the challenges that she faced being a single female Pastor on the ministry front. I also asked her if she was worried, or found herself asking the Lord when the right time would be for her in regards to finding a mate. She was more than kind enough to privilege me with her response, and was also more than happy  to allow me to share it right here. So y'all are getting first hand experience on what it's like out there from a primary source! This was Pastor Lola's response:

• "Ministry is interesting as a person. The difference in gender isn't felt by me. It's felt by those I minister to. Same as being a woman in college. No felt difference by you, you're just in school. Make sense?  I'm just in ministry...doing what I was born to do. Now, my colleagues tend to pastor differently. I'm more of a "new/young mother" with my congregation. They're "on my hip" as I handle business. I want to know if the church is spiritually healthy; are the people growing in Jesus? I'm proud and giddy over little things. I have to discipline them sometimes. Guys don't traditionally do that- they see the church more as a machine. A car even. They want to put hydraulics on it...make it BIG and fast...lol!  They are into fast, undeniable growth. I'm into slow, organic growth. I think all ladies are different but I've seen the dynamic manifested in several ladies.

           I'm single but I have colleagues who are not. Either can be difficult. I personally think singleness is a blessing and a curse in ministry. It's a blessing to be able to travel and do as I'm called to. Not to have to answer for late nights, early mornings, etc. However, I carry the stress of leadership alone. No one to vent to. No one who will have my back when I make mistakes or preach a horrible sermon.

          On the flip, my married colleagues are called upon to balance their churches and their families. They must be mom to their kids at home AND their kids at church. They are moms so they have to be as loving and supportive as your mom AND run a church. The call is HIGH!
So, your journey will have similarities as well as unique experiences. My advice is to stay EXTRA CLOSE to Jesus!!! He will help you navigate the unique journey He has planned." 

I then asked Pastor Moore this question: 

• Do you find it difficult to not "worry" about the Lord sending you the man you're supposed to be with?
  I mean, we all know that "good things come to those who wait upon the Lord" and all that jazz, but that doesn't make it any easier on us when we really don't have any conception of the timing of God?

And this was her response, and a very wise approach, if I may say the least:

• "I don't worry about God sending the right person. I recognize that, had I been more patient, "he" may have already been here. The process is less about God sending him as it is about God preparing me! Am I ready to be a good wife, in light of my calling, to the man God has designated? Am I ready to be doubly yoked as Pastor and mother? Am I willing to care for my husband and handle the business of the church? The right one will come, but am I ready to be the right one for him?"
  

Wow. What a perspective. Often times, we find ourselves craving the superficial face values of relationships that we forget about the broader spectrum of what the end result should be. Before God can send men their "helpmeet", He has to make sure they're absolutely geared up for what they are about to get into. 

First thing is always first. We must begin asking these questions to ourselves, and wait patiently for the Lord to impress His convictions upon us. We must ask Him to reveal the issues that we need to deal with that we aren't too ready to accept in order to prepare us as women winning souls for the Kingdom, and also to prepare us as perfect women for our men. Before Yahweh can send you someone who is good for you, you must in turn be good for him. At this stage in our lives, many of us women serve the purpose of being a better stumbling block, tripping up our men, and as an obstacle to distract and divert our men from achieving and attending to the higher callings in their lives. Others are set-ups, luring men in with sensuality and trapping them with lust disguised as love. We MUST strive to be better women. Actually, let me not say the word "strive" because that implies "trying". We must not "try" to be better women, we must BE better women. They do say that you often attract what you exude, so let us emit the character of God, excrete the ambitions of a woman with a purpose,  conceal our hormone induced sensuality, and acquire the ability to wait upon the Lord not solely on the basis of relationships, but be able to truly trust Him enough to believe that He will make decisions that are of the best intentions.


-Alda.


*Courtesy of Pastor Lola Moore
-Thank You for sharing your perspective.

I asked men on twitter yesterday, if they could get into the mind of a female, what is one thing they would like to know. I got one pretty legitimate response where one male wanted to know: "Are you telling me the truth at all times?". Hmm. Ok. That's a valid question that can be reverse back to the males as well.

The first thing that I want to make clear is the fact that the answer to this question really depends on who you're talking to, honestly. You may meet a woman who isn't all the way honest  at all times because she doesn't hold too much value on such a moral. Then on the flip side, you may meet a woman who makes it a point to keep honesty  at the foundational basis of her relationship with her partner. So it really just depends who you're dealing with.

Lyfe Jennings, an artist, has a song called "Hypothetically, Of Course", and I think it deals with this principle of honesty in relationships. What do we say when we're afraid to hurt the other person? Do we tell them, or do we keep it to ourselves? Let's take a look at the lyrics:

                                                              "What if I broke our monogamous agreement
                                                                  What if I told you I lied, but didn't mean it
                                                                                    What if my one mistake
                                                                                   had the potential to break
                                                                                       up our happy home
                                                                                 Would you wanna know
                             What if I confessed it and though she didn't mean nothing since it happened
                                                                           You're thinking about leaving
                                                                                   What if I suppressed it
                                                           and made a vow to never mess with another
                                                                   Is it cool for me to smother the facts
                                                                   Is it cool for me to cover my tracks
                                                                                     if you'd never know
                                                        Or would me not being honest hurt you more


The last part of this first verse is what stood out to me the most. In this song, we have two parties who are withholding some pretty pertinent information from each other. But because they are both afraid of "losing" or "hurting" each other, they speak in hypothetical terms, and ponder whether they should or should not just keep the information to themselves for the sake of keeping their family in tact (which we learn through the progression of the story line).

I can't necessarily speak for women, in general, but I can speak in terms of our nature as humans, which, believe it or not, for both parties (male and female), can be very similar in many instances. For example. In regards to dishonesty, I'm sure that we can all say that we have lied at some point in our lives, for whatever reason. But is there a difference between a "white lie"- which is according to google is "A harmless or trivial lie, esp. one told to avoid hurting someone's feelings"-, or a lie with more of a malicious intent? Or is a lie simply a lie, and what are the ethical implications?

Well, I can only tell you what I think. And here's how I see it. I believe that there are only two categories of lies. One with a purposeful intent, and the other category just includes all other forms of lies from white lies, to big lies, to why-did-you-have-to-lie-when-you-really-didn't-need-to-lie's and so forth.

"Innocent" Lies: You're planning a surprise party for one of your best friends. Key word: Surprise. So, this automatically registers in your mind that you have to keep what you're doing a secret by all means necessary. So you'll tell your friend that you're going to work, when in reality, you're actually going to pick up her cake. You'll stuff all the gifts in a closet and nervously say "nothing" when they ask what you're doing. These are all necessary lies (though I feel like in this case, the term "lie" seems too heavy of a word to use here) in order to plan a successful surprise party. I'm sure your best friend will appreciate all you've done for them when they really figure out what you've been up to (unless they despise surprises). "Lies" like these have no harmful intent, and upon revelation, do not stir up feelings of betrayal or disdain, and do not move the person to question every successive word that comes out of your mouth (except maybe around their next birthday).

"Protective" Lies: These are lies that we tell for the "protection" of others. When your friend looks a little on the heavy side in her leggings and you tell her she looks fine- LIE. When you comment on an Instagram pic of someone that doesn't look too good, telling them that they look spectacular (just because they didn't receive any "likes' and you were trying to be nice)- LIE. When you tell people they're "perfect the way they are" when they are 100lbs overweight- LIE. When you don't tell your child that their father is dead, when in reality he is in solitary confinement for a murder he committed 20 years ago-LIE.

"Selfish" Lies: When her weave looks dirty, and you're in a rush to get to  where you're going, but don't want to wait for her to wash it so you don't tell her how bad it looks when she asks- LIE. When you tell your girl that she looks good when she really doesn't, only because you don't want her to look better than you do.-LIE.  Claiming you never did your homework when your classmate asks because you don't want to help them.-Now you know you're wrong for that. But we're all guilty of these in some shape or form.

"Painful" Lies: Lies to cover up pain. When your homeboy asks if its alright for him to date your ex-girlfriend... and you say "Nah man, its all gucci"... -Now we KNOW that's the biggest, fattest lie and 3/4ths. When you claim to be over your ex within the first 2 months of breaking up. LIE. When females say "I'm alright" "I'm fine" or "I don't want to talk about it"- LIE. They're not alright, they're not fine, and they most definitely need someone to talk to.

"Booster" Lies: Booster lies are lies that you tell to make yourself look more appealing to the outside world. I.e. Females who claim to know basketball, when they know very well they need to go somewhere else with their tweets. Males/Females who claim to be "turnin' up" at the club on the weekends, when they KNOW they're gonna be at AY Friday night and teaching Sabbath school in church come Sabbath morning. Claiming to have "J's for days" when in reality, you only have one pair. I think you get the memo.

The BOLD FACED Lie: Ok This is the lie that is probably most despised by everyone. Ever heard a lie that you KNOW for a fact cannot in a million years ever possibly be true? Here's the kicker about bold faced lies- both parties know they aren't true. Most times they're so ridiculous that you can't help but laugh hysterically upon hearing them. When a bold faced lie is told, it is usually followed by the following statements from the other party: "HOW YOU GON' TELL ME..!" "LOOK ME DEAD IN THE FACE AND SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME.." "WHATCHU MEAN [insert accusation]..!!".. or, the all too familiar "GET OUT MY FACE WITH THAT [insert expletive]" .... "COME ON SON..!" ... or even a silence of unbelief, followed by a dumbfounded expression. 

"Unspoken/Technical" Lies: And here's the lie we all claim to "technically" not be a lie. For example. Your friend goes to a Lianne La Havas concert and doesn't tell you- maybe because they didn't feel like going with you, or maybe they were going with someone you didn't like- but case in point- they didn't tell you. Now, upon confrontation, you may say "why didn't you tell me", and they may retort- "Well you didn't ask" when they knew for a fact that Lianne La Havas was your favorite artist, and you wouldn't have missed the event for the world.. I would feel betrayed. I would feel some type of way. So yes, I do put this in the category of "unspoken" lies. 

• There was  a line in "Hypothetically of Course" by Jennings that said: 

                                                            "Are there some things better left unsaid                                             
                                                                 Or would you wanna know instead?"

Now, your confrontation is based off of finding out that your friend went to the concert without you. But what if you didn't find out? Would it be better for them to have kept that piece of information to themselves? I mean, that would be ideal if they didn't want to create confusion...

Perhaps a better example would be another scenario illustrated by Fantasia's lines in Lyfe Jenning's song:

                                                             "Well what if I told you that I had a confession
                                                           What if I said 4 years ago when we were arguing
                                                           he came to comfort me and I wound up pregnant
                                                                               And I just can't say for sure
                                                                                         if the baby's yours
                                 What if I confessed it and it turns out not to be your baby after you get tested
                                                          And it destroys what we've been blessed with
                               What if I suppress it 'cause technically you're the baby's daddy anyway
                                                                     Is it wrong for me to want you to stay
                                                                  Would you rather have me tear you away
                                                                            From the only family you know
                                                        Or is this just too big a secret to keep it on the low

"Technically" the male in the story line is the Father. So "technically" there is no need to let the cat out of the bag just yet. Besides, it would destroy the lives of everyone in the life of the child. We wouldn't want that, now, would we?

But wouldn't you want to know if you were living a lie? This is why unspoken lies are probably one of the most dangerous of lies. Because the longer you wait, the more attachments form, the closer you get, and the harder it becomes to pry two fingers apart that have been attached together with superglue. 

All in all, in reality, a lie is a lie. And it is better to speak up and deal with the repercussions now rather than later when it could be a bit harder. So tell your friend they're a little on the heavy side. They might think you're insensitive, but they'll thank you later on down the line when they aren't suffering from diabetes and other health issues. And don't just tell them either, help them out. Be a support system. Same if your friend isn't looking good when you hit the town. Don't try to look better than your friend, please tell them when they look good- in all honesty, because believe it or not, your friends are also a reflection of you. Have you ever heard the saying, "Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are"? Ponder that. And ladies and gents? Speak up when you're hurt. If you don't feel comfortable with your friend dating your ex when they ask, then say so. If you're hurt, say so. Don't just tell everyone you're "fine" when you're not. You're only going to be digging yourself into an abyss of unhappiness. Next, stop boosting yourself  up to be someone you're not. Be yourself and stick to that. No one wants to hang with a fraud. And lastly, refrain from technical lies. They damage more than they protect...


Krioulo word of the day: Lie- "Mentira" (men-tee-ruh)... and please roll your 'r's".

Note: Lyrics taken from  A-Z Lyrics (Click here to read more)
Stay groovy Y'all
-Alda.
 

Aha. Here come the warm weather, and here come the Burlesque Balloon Women eager to show off their skin. Get ready single men, it may be a long, frustrating, sensually provocative summer. 

Everywhere you go, there is a reoccurring theme of what? -Love. In every movie there is a damsel in distress awaiting her salvation in the hands of an evil man who really has too much time on his hands, and way too much energy to go out of his way to kidnap people and make everything so much more difficult for everyone else. =_= . Take Fast and Furious 6, for example (which I watched last night in a crowded theatre in Providence along with about 1.2billion steamy people). I won't say too much for the people who haven't watched it yet, but here we can see homeboy's girl, who he thought was dead, resurface who knows where, and sexy (and a bit too bulky) Dwayne Johnson SEARCHIN for hot tamale Vin Diesel to get him to help a brotha out. This propels sir hot tamale into a state of action. Had homegirl not been involved, he would have gladly declined the mission. And so would his friends.

So what was the point of that seemingly lengthy tangent? Well. I said that to say this- I went to watch this movie and it was about -love. I walked out of the theatre and I saw couples blissfully sauntering away in -love. I turned on pandora in my car and the first song that came on was about- love. I came home and the first thing that I thought about was -you guessed it-love. 

So, if you're single, like me, and all you see around you is cotton candy, love bugs, and cupids, you may not necessarily feel the love yourself. All you can do is see it from the outside standpoint of a foreigner.

That's not to say that we haven't "been in" or "experienced" love. Which we might have. But too often than not, in today's society, because of our insecurities, impatience, or even involuntary acceptance of a partner, we have brought ourselves to a state of confusion when it comes to this word, love. How do I know this? Well. Take a look at the current divorce rates- which I'm sure has to probably be a little over 50% by now.

In our generation, we have made the difference between love and lust indistinguishable. I really want to gear this post more towards our women today (if I don't end up getting side tracked with another tangent, that is). I'm talking about real love, which is ONLY recognizable when we see our place in relation to God's Magnificence. 

True Love: Welp. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am not ready for a relationship. As of now. Why? Because I have not truly grasped the essence of what True Love actually is. But I have gotten to the point where I have learned that  in order to recognize True Love, I have to FIRST understand God's love towards me, that way I will not only be able to identify that love from someone else, but be able to reciprocate it as well.

Once we understand the true sacricificial meaning of what love is, then we can place ourselves in a place where we are one smidge closer to where God needs us to be in preparing us for interconnectedness with one another. That being said, we need to pause, right now, and evaluate our places. Are you a slave to lust? Pull yourself away from the hustle and bustle of society and REALLY think about this right now. Are your actions in tune with that of a woman (or man, for the men reading this) who has finally been brought to a place of spiritual awareness? Hmm. Here's a simple test to figure that out.

Alright this is what you do- Stand up. Close your eyes. And place your hands on your hips. Then ask yourself: Is God enough?

Aha. Here's where many of us fail this test. And here is where I failed the test every time I got into a relationship because I never believed that God was enough. Many of us females think that we need men to validate us, or that being in a relationship will somehow flick us back up a point value system adopted by nonfactor judges. Many of us are searching for our "other halves" when #1- Eve never searched for Adam, but was brought/led to Him by God, and #2- Who said we are missing a whole HALF of ourselves? Shoot, that other "Half" better be the character of Jesus! Haha ok but no, in all honesty, I believe that we are not to look to others for definition, but merely for the purpose of complimenting our lives. Eve complimented Adam. She was sent to be his "helpmeet", not "helpmeat". (See what I did there?)

And then we have the issue of women seeking to be in relationships simply for the "glitz and glamour" of what they expect it to be. They want to get with the best looking guy who plays hard to get but in reality, doesn't even value the woman. We're addicted to the chase. We feel entitled to get what we want- even though it might not be the best thing for us. Every woman, whether they admit it or not, likes a good challenge. The rush of the experience brings us to a feeling of euphoria, which stimulates our endurance for the pursuit. But when our endurance declines, reality sets in.

If we spent more time looking within ourselves and truly asking Yahweh to reveal the things within us that  need to be tweaked, then we might increase our chances for happiness through the power of discernment. With a closer relationship with God comes greater wisdom. Had we learned this a long time ago, we would have been able to evade a lot of unfavorable experiences we have found ourselves in the past. But you know. Everyone is into the whole "well, let me learn from my mistakes" when true wisdom lies not in learning from your own, but evading those mistakes and cutting straight to the lesson though the observation of the mistakes of others. 

Think of it this way. What sense does it make for us to spend our time, energy, effort and resources to figure out how to make a lightbulb, when it has already been invented? What we should be spending time on is learning various ways that we can improve the quality of that bulb. 

So this post is turning out a long longer than I wanted it to. The last thing that I want to say is this- Ladies? Don't be blinded by the superficial face value of what a relationship is- i.e. cuddling, physical intimacy, kissing, some more physical intimacy and playing Bonnie and Clyde with your boyfriend. Work on developing something long lasting, and of higher value that will guarantee your happiness in your not too distant future. Have patience. Relax, focus on achieving your immediate goals, and eemember, God IS enough. Focus on Him, and all good things will surely follow.

First day of Summer: Friday, June 21st, 2013

-Alda.